Welcome to the mind of a Writer

I miss that I could live for the moment. That i didnt' have to worry about things int he future, and that the past rarely mattered. I miss the lack of total and utter stress. I miss not understanding the world as i do now, i wish i didn't think it so horrible and unfair.

I wish i could still see with a child's unbiased perception, because that's rare in the world. I wish i still had the same thirst for learning as i did then, and that i had pushed it farther when i was younger so i could reach higher now.

I miss...me.

Totally this Chick named Harry (Angharad) from the Blue Sword. Being tossed into an unknown situation not knowing the language and not knowing her history or the people and getting to go on an adventure...

Okay, so that's the character I'd most LIKE to identify with >.<;;;

i wish i could be freer with myself. In writing, speaking.

I think i wanted so badly to be a private/shy person that i made it happen. I don't have to force myself to hold things back anymore. Or pretend that saying something is hard for me. it's become reality, now. Someone asks me something, like what i'm feeling, or what's wrong, and i physically can't answer.

Turns out some people get drastically upset if you say "I dunno" or shrug. Offended that you don't open up, or something.

It's hilarious. That i can't talk about my problems. And when i do, i explode. I get hysterical, and in a way, i try to make things funny. Dunno whether i think that'll catch someone's attention better, or make them forget easy, or make them brush it off.

But it certainly does make them do that latter.

People think these problems aren't real. That i'm overexaggerating. When they finally find out i wasn't lying, i can't say anything. Besides, of course, i don't lie when i talk about myself like that.

I don't, really i don't.

I'm terrified about college. I'm terrified i wont' get any FAFSA money (an dat this point it's doubtful i will), I'm terrified i'll never finsiht he form. i finally did, and then the pin wouldn't work to sign. And now the form's gone. Was sposed to last 40 days, but it didn't. And now i've started anew and can't find any of my mum's info any more and i don't want to tell her i might have lost her tax forms and what have you because they've just DISAPPEARED. And i'm afraid that i'm going to have to write a letter telling WOU that i'm not actually going, thankyou, even though i've signed up for all my classes. And that i'll always be stuck here and will just work here at the family garden store for the rest of my life like my mum and always be unhappy, like her, and have no friends. And scare away ppl.

She scares me away, too. I wonder if she does it on purpose. Everyone says to try scholorships, but did you know you can't get those without the FAFSA? can't get student loans without it either. Everyone thinks the form is so blasted easy. But it's not. Especially when you have a mum who refuses to give up her info at first because she believes the internet is too iffy. And then because she doesn't think the parent should help the child with schooling. And then when she does, her PIN number fails for some odd and unkown reason.

and now the form is gone.

I don't want to sign up for a dorm because i don't have any money, and i really want to continue with school because i'm afraid if i stop for even one term, i'll never restart. And never go anywhere. And just be a loser with a low paying job for the rest of my fucking life living in my granparents basement.

And all my friends don't understand, but they are so damn supportive at the same time but they JUST DON'T GET IT.

I'm a loser. I'm not going anywhere. Nothing goes right for me. I'm not special. I never win anything. Everyone says i'm bright, or smart.

I wish i had proof. I don't have good grades anymroe because of this guy that ruined my entire life. And now i have no work ethic to speak of. Ever since that blasted mental break-down. I haven't been the same. Soft. I've always cried easy, but i got rid of that tendency . Thought i matured. Guess not. i let myself get trompled all over.

I wish i didn't.

i wish i had a better life. Everyone says i'm well off, i wish i could believe them.

I think i would have rathered the 90's. I grew up during them, and they made a lot more sense. I kinda wish they were back, you know? I always get really excited when a movie from that time comes on, or when a REALLY good movie imitates that style.

It makes me happy inside.

And frankly? No cartoon time is better than the 90's :D

Depends. Currently though, i would choose my significant other. Because my friends are rather lacking when i need support, or help, or just a should to lean/cry on.

On my Lovers can do that.

I would gladly give up any one friend of mine, to keep my others.

Anytime. Anyone.

No matter who. Or how long i had known them. Even if they were special to me, i would do it.

pathetic, huh?

Aishiteru. That's the romanji speeling (in roman letters) of i love you in japanese. I love the Intonation, and how fast they speak it. And how much emotion can be put in it.

Way better than boring old "i love you" :)

Because whenever a teenager is told not to do something, they do it anyways. They also are at the age to do something foolish simply BECAUSE it's foolish. Also, they do not know their limits and tend to exceed them

I'm not saying that only teenagers make stupid choices, but. . .you are less likely to make them as you get older if you make them right away, right?

you know, i don't think i ever actually HEARD the tale of Beauty and the Beast as a child. I think i just watched the movie. So it's my favorite. But considering the question. . .

Probably sleeping beauty. The tale was always different, and always starred a beautiful young princess and a strong foolish prince and danger and magic and was the most amazing thing in the universe.

Now i just think that girl was really stupid and blond >.

I was in a race, at districts or sub districts or something equally ridiculous for Track. I can't remember what race i was running. Prolly wasn't the 300 meter hurdles though, considering. So it was either the 3200 or the 1600. (2 mile or 1 mile).

Coming up to the last 200 meters i hit my stride. I had the best kick in the entire state, was famous for it. Yeah, i wasn't the fastest. No, i never came in first. It was just the strength of my last kick. The speed. I was the only one that upped my speed every 200 meters or so and by the last 200 was going full boar and strong, even after 2 whole miles.

So i'm booking it, right? Heads tilted a little, Yoga teacher says that comes from over concentration, huffing, arms swinging strong, stride not too low, not too high, and i see a flash from my left and automatically leap as though i'm doing the highjump.

Here's the story: At this trach, they only had a special place for the highjump pit, an area at one end of the oval that had the rubber track underneath it. On one long side was the triple and long jump pits, and on the other was the Pole jump pit. It was approximately in the middle of the long side that was the home of the finish line. So 50 meters from the finish was the pole jump pit. And it wasn't a ways back from the track, either. It was so close that if i tread over the fielf line, i could possibly hit the pole jump mat.

One guy happened to be jumping while i was sprinting for the line, and i can't remember what exactly happened, it's been enough years, but either his pole came down, or the bar he was trying to jump over did (i find that more likely since he was disqualified) and instead of being caught by the attendent (who was busy with the pole) the blasted thing fell onto the track right in front of me.

So okay, it's a pole ont he track, right? Big fucking deal, right? Well it didn't just fall there and stay there, it had a bloody rubber end and hit a rubber track. Not to mention it didn't land flat anyways, since part of in was still on the mat.

So it landed a foot or two in front of me, and in all rights i shoulda tripped over it while running, if not when i leaped since it bounced up again. To be perfectly honest, i had NO IDEA what was going on. I was just running and all i can recall is blowing through the finish line to discover my ankle was mysteriously bruised.

needless to say i was checked over by nurses and my coach cause they (and all the people int he stands) thought i was gonna biff it.

So my biggest accident was a flying bar on a track during a big race that i had no idea fell at all :)

Ironic, yeah?

I only just really got a cell phone. I have three numbers in it. Two of those i text. And then i call home.

but that's only for when i'm at school, since i commute 40+ miles everyday.

And sides, i live in a dead zone, no cell phone usage there!

But hmm...do i use the landline more? Prolly. Hard to say, since i don't use either very much. When i DO have someone to call, i use the landline, mostly. Obsessively. I like to hide out int he pantry cause it's cool in there during the summer, and during the winter i can hide out with a blanket and chill :)

Definitely the landline! :D

I really just wanna live in a flat. Nothing fancy. hell, even if it was just a half kitchen, living room, and bathroom i'd be happy.

I'd even be happy without the bathroom.

But if i had my way, I'd have an apartment/flat with a good sized living area, bathroom with a tub big enough for someone 5' 10" at least, and a kitchen big enough for a stove and a real fridge. A microwave would be cool, too. A double sink would be even cooler.

I has a cat, and she just lives in my bedroom right now, so it'd be nice to live in someplace large enough for her. But you know what would be even cooler? A loft. Less likely to be designed for living in. . .but large. And prolly cheap, too! I'd have lotsa room for artsy stuff. And maybe wood floors. When living in a cozy place, carpet is nice, but I've always been partial to wood floors, you know?

And windows, windows are a must. Not too worried about having any in my bedroom, but a bedroom with a balconey would be cool too. I'm living in a basement right now with two windows, one faces north, and the other east so i've got it covered up.

And none of my lamps really work.

So windows would be REALLY nice :)

Not that long ago, at the restaurant I work at, I heated up an apple pie in the microwave for someone, then I had to put CHEDDAR CHEESE ON IT and put it back in there to MELT IT.

GROSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


but cheese by itself is good! ^.^

I swear that I might fall apart inside if I am held any closer to the one who loves me. Strong arms, comforting breathing, warm air rushing by my ears, my lungs feel like they are melting. I can't breath. I want to cry.

but I can't.

i want to run. I can't stand this longing. this wanting. I only deserve to be alone. it's the only way to survive. as soon as I become dependent on someone else, they'll be gone. or something will happen and things will change.

I have to leave. But this time, i don't... want to. i have the urge, but I dont' think I could do it. This confuses me. I've never had any problems with leaving. I never regret it. miss them maybe, but it's always for the best.

So is it good or bad that I can't leave? Will this last forever? Or will I forever be shattered after this?

I just want the complications to go away.

I worked at a Bakery last summer from June till maybe 3 days after my birthday (august 11th.) I was dur to work till September something, it was just a summer job, but I called in sick a couple days after my birthday, then when i was still sick the day after that, I just didn't show up.

I needed to get out.

They were slave drivers! I've worked hard before, and they were just ridiculous.

There was a new worker there I had to train and look after, and she was kinda shy. Scared and intimidated of the boss, really. So when she ran out of the tape for the cake boxes she asked me where to find it.So she'd been there for a month, And I'd been there for 2 and a half I believe. maybe just two. It was my birthday and I was asked to work 8 hours that day. sucky, huh? 6 to 2 I believe.

But I didn't know where to find the bloody tape. i'd never had it run out before! So it's reasonable to think you could find it in the office, right?

apparently not. So, I walk to the office, and although the door is open, i knock on the doorframe and ask "Could I have your help please, Judy?" She's the wife of the owner. I guess, but then I think they BOTH own the place, so whatever.

She's like all right, but I can tell she's kinda miffed. And I'm right, cause when I ask her where to find some tape, she goes off on this rant about me being paid to use my brain. and all that. I'm a bit taken aback, most people respect someone when they admit they're at fault and don't know what to do, she was getting ready to cut my paycheck!!!!

Okay, yell at me int he office, outback, or in the back of the business all you want, but YOU'RE officially at fault when you haul it out to the front counter. She's yelling at me now, in front of at LEAST 30 customers and maybe 8 employees (including the girl, and a bunch of bakers who are all horrified) Nobody is working, or speaking. I feel like a bloody carni or something.

But not once do I say that I was doing this as a favor for susan, I cover her ass, and repeatedly APOLOGIZE for not knowing where to find the bloody TAPE cause no one showed me. And she said that I shoulda scouted out everything I'd need. On what time? Everytime a  customer asked me to put more toilet paper in the bathroom I'd get yelled at for going in the back to get it cause I was wasting time.

bitch.

and when we eventually did find it, i had to use a LADDER to reach it! I'm bloody 6 feet talla nd I couldn't see where it was at (she's like 4' 8") and she expected me to magically know where it was at?

well, let's just say that I didn't even come back for my check. I made them mail it. Took them bloody two months to do so, too.

bastards

Tampons. I've had to buy tampons for friends before. Okay, i can almost understand going to the grocery store for a chick who's used to getting her mum to do it, or cause they're embarrassed to do it in front of friends, but it's ridiculous to send a guy into a GIRL'S bathroom to get them.....

yeah

There are a lot of people who call me kitten. It's cause I take almost... obscene pleasure out of touch. Just a simple touch to the cheek has me purring, or growling at whoever dared to do so... ^.^

Sometimes, abuse from your family doesn't have to be physical. Even if they seem like they love you, or that they're there all the time, little things can kind of... mess you up later on and you don't even realize it.i have an awful time letting people in close, or allowing them to touch me and ENJOY it. I get hissy and shove them off. growl, claw.

I fight like a cat. Because once I get close, i always get the urge to get up and leave.This is what happens when you grow up in an old fashioned family. I grew up with the mantra "children should be seen and not hear" that's fine and dandy. I'm the politest guy I know. But I also grew up learning that not even a simple hug was appropriate anywhere. Not even from a close friend or family member. after this being ground into my head for years, I jerk away from my grandmother pulling me close. It feels like an intense pulling inside of me reprimanding me for touching her, even if she is the one who touched me.

It's frighteningly disconcerting to get the urge to shove or hit your own grandmother to get her to stop touching you.

pop. rock. I love fall out boi and american rejects and I've recently gotten into My chemical Romance... and Panic! at the disco rocks my socks off!!!!!

lol. so yeah. my teenage moment for the day ; )

That's a really good question, and I answered it yesterday. i freak out, i cry, I break down.

It's not pretty.

I actually just started bawling all over a school administrator yesterday cause everything has just been piling up on me in ridiculous amounts. Now I've been dropped from two classes. If I had known that was all it took to get my work load diminished, i woulda done that a LONG time ago... ^.^

well.life really does suck. so here I was, bawling my heart out in the middle of the high school. I felt like an idiot. but I didn't get pitied or yelled at, or given detention or any bullshit like that. I was treated like an adult. like it mattered. Like I was important. I wasn't coddled, but comforted int he way I needed to be. i actually felt slightly ignored. I never expected to do that. normally teachers tell you to stop crying to you sniffle a bit, let tears run down your face, and your done.

no. I was outright screaming. bawling. crying. pitching a fit. everything. i think i had my own little personal nervous breakdown today. which is great. i have less than a month till graduation, I have college courses that continue past that, and I've hit my stress limit. If someone approaches me about going to talk to a counselor, I'll prolly freak out cause I don't even have the time for that. it would just add to my stress, really. This is ridiculous.

And they dropped me from two classes. I love Calculus, really, but I just... should I call it Senioritus? I've seen ppl hit this point before, right before graduation, where they just couldn't accomplish anymore. I'm always exhausted, even though I sleep in busstops for goodness sakes.and I haven't accomplished any real work in who knows how long. I just can't handle anymore. I've been watching hallmark movies for goodness sake. Anyone know what to do? give up? stress myself out while trying to finish? is there a way to balance this?

This is when Lokki should come to my rescue, seriously.

well, let's try for 50 things here, huh?

1. I'm 6 foot
2. everyone has always told me I should be a model
3. i personally think I'm not attractive
4. only occasionally can I see beauty in my own face
5. I love to have sex
6. I don't really care who with
7. I have no morals
8. I'm not a nice person
9. I like to shock ppl. be my own person
10. people think I'm not being true to myself when I couldn't be happier with who I am
11. I don't ever copy someone and be someone I'm not
12. I can't ever figure out what gender I like more
13. I can't figure out WHO I AM sometimes
14. I'm a myspace addict
15. I used to be a long distance runner
16. i have a limp and am in constant pain
17. one shoulder hangs lower than the other and has more limited mover cause I tore all the tissue in it and since my mum didn't believe me it healed wrong. couldn't lift my arm higher than my shoulder without out it going numb for a year, I think.
18. from the same accident that I hurt my shoulder I have a scar in the shape of a 7 on my arm that you can only see when I'm tan
19. I'm not always as confident as I seem
20. I can be confident and cool for other ppl, but hardly ever for myself
21. lotsa ppl like me and I dunno why
22. I love to take surveys even though no one reads them
23. I love to run barefoot on the beach
24. I only had one goal this yeah, and I didn't make it
25. I wish I could live without constant fluxuating pain every day, every second of those days
26. I resent my own family
27. I call my car my baby
28. I hate saying I love you (dunno whether it's cause it's over used, or whether I mean it so much EVERYTIME I say it.)
29. I where 7 1/2 shoes in men's. 8 1/2 in womens
30. I like the color pink
31. green is my favorite color (with brown)
32. I have hazel eyes, but they used to be chocolate brown like my mum's.
33. I'm legally blind without my glasses on
34. I have an obsession with knives
35. I love to speed
36. I'm obscenely good with lying
37. I psychoanalyse ppl a lot
38. I love to listen to loud music till I have to grit my teeth through it
39. my speakers in my car are going and i wish I could get sub woofers
40. ppl lust after me all the time and I laugh at them cause I don't understand why
41. I'm obscenely proud of my own ass ^.^
42. I love animals, like the family store's cat cassius! or my rats of course... ^.^
43. I had a cat named nightmare
44. I had nightmares bout her months after she died.
45. I only buried her 4 months after she died. 3 months ago
46. I'm a terrible insomniac
47. I'm a procrastinator extraordinare
48. my paycheck bounces all the time, cept for when I go in when the bank opens (literally, I wait for them to unlock the door) on tuesdays, cause that's when my restaurants visa slips go through.
49. I can barely afford gas to get to school and haven't put money in the insurance jar since june. gramms pays the big bill, I'm jsut sposed to pay her back.
50. I've been pulled over 3 tiems and shoulda gotten a ticket each time, and haven't yet.